Right now I’m BEC with my mother.  Like any mother and daughter, we’ve had our ups and our downs. We had been having a lot of ups until recently.  I love my mom but a lot of times, I don’t like the way she treats people.  Especially retail workers.  If she has to wait longer than a few minutes in a line, she gets bitchy.  If an item isn’t ringing up right, she gets bitchy.  She’s never had to work retail but I have and I’ve explained how complicated their systems are.  Especially for a place like Macy’s where they are always having to keep up with new sales.  It’s not the cashier’s fault.  And the cashier doesn’t know every single sale price of every item.  She gets mad if they are new and doesn’t do it fast enough.  It’s embarrassing and rude.

My cousin made some life changes in the last year or two.  She’s an adult and she’s allowed to do that.  But since she lived with my mom for a few years, my mom seems to think my cousin should do exactly what she says or else she’s a big piece of shit.  My cousin is one of my best friends.  We recently had a death in the family and my cousin was 100% my rock through the entire time.  She really stepped up and helped out with the funeral and after funeral stuff.  My mom still treated her like a big zero.  It breaks my heart to see my mom treat her like that.

So today I call my mom since I haven’t really talked to her much this week.  I’ll be honest, I needed a break from her.  She launches into how we need to come over for Father’s day and grill…. Ummmm it’s my husband’s day.  My mom’s husband doesn’t have kids and has never acted like a stepdad to me or my sibling so why she seems to think it should be all about him is beyond me.  I was pretty mad that she hadn’t taken into consideration about what my husband wanted to do that day.  I was too stunned to really say anything.  DH said he didn’t want to spend the day there and of course, I want to do whatever he wants to do for that day.

And lastly, my mom keeps saying how much she misses the kid.  We live 15 minutes away from her…at any time she could come over and see the kid but she doesn’t.  It’s all on me to bring the kid to her.  Now that’s just not cool at all.  I grew up with two sets of grandparents who fell all over themselves to hangout with their grandkids.  My dad lives far away but he makes every moment count when he’s here or we are there.  I think my mom is pissy that I’m spending a lot of time with my cousin.  So sorry she’s fun to hang out with?

And honestly, at any point I can put on my big girl panties and use my big girl words and tell her how I feel but I’ve done that before and we didn’t talk for years.  Literally years.

Nursing in Public and later…pitch forks and torches

I think that by now this is pretty much beating a dead horse


But I wanted to talk about this.  In my home state, a mom, Kate, was eating lunch with her friends, a moms group.  They were at Chic-Fil-A which is a seriously family friendly restaurant.  I love going to the one near me.  They have placemats on all the high chairs.  They are super nice.  She’d forgotten her cover and asked if anyone minded that she breastfeed her adorable 6 month old.  All the moms were cool with it, as they should be.

And then some bitch had to ruin it.  Jennifer Long decided to take a picture of this sweet mom just feeding her baby and posted it on Facebook with the comment of “Anybody want some milk? Noon time at a restaurant is not a place to do this?”

I saw the picture and Kate wasn’t shaking her tasseled and glittered up milk jugs on a Chic-Fil-A table.  She wasn’t squirting milk in people’s chicken sandwiches.  She was feeding her son.  She wasn’t showing any more skin than a v-neck shirt.  The people in the background of the picture weren’t even looking her way.  The moms shown in the picture weren’t glued to her boobs either.

I feel so bad for Kate.  All she was doing was feeding her child with food nature provided in a way that was respectful of the people around her.  That’s it.

As for Jennifer, her “organic” tanning business seems to be taking a dive.  Hell hath no fury like breast feeding moms scorned.  Rumor has it, Jennifer spray tans people while they are naked.  *Gasp*  Even if she didn’t and Kate had come to her for a spray tan, Jennifer would have seen way more of Kate’s assets during the tan.  So that’s okay but showing a little cleavage while feeding your child is something that should be mocked on a social network?

This sends a message to other nursing moms that they and their children could be mocked online.  This sends a message that you maybe shouldn’t nurse in public.  How fucked up is that?  Hey there, don’t feed your baby with food nature has provided because someone else may see part of your boob.  When in reality, you see more boob on tv every single day.  Don’t like it? DON’T FUCKING LOOK.

Jennifer is claiming the first amendment.  Freedom of speech.  So here’s my message to her using my first amendment.

Dear Jennifer,

You are a coward.  You should have your vagina card revoked.  And your boob card too.  For someone who’s business is run on boobs because come on, you know your clients want that tanned cleavage, you are being real judgypants.  Does your life suck right now because woman are standing together against you and your actions?  That’s called consequences and karma.  If your mama raised you right, you would get in touch with BBC and the local news and sit down with them and talk about how you didn’t realize how this would affect mom’s on a national scale.  That you hope to make an educated choice in the future when you think about doing something like this again.  And most of all, that you are truly, from the bottom of your heart sorry for all the pain you’ve caused Kate.  Oh and be thankful I didn’t call you a certain four letter word that starts with a C and rhymes with blunt.

Don’t like it, don’t care,



If Kate reads this, I’d like to tell her to keep on doing what she’s doing.  Turn this really stupid situation into something good and raise awareness against stupidity about breastfeeding.  It’s big shoes to step into but change needs to happen.  And if anything at all good comes from this, at least know that a boatload of mom’s are reading your story and are getting all riled up and then they have to pause to fawn over Bentley and his beautiful blue eyes.

Mean Girls

It’s the 10 year anniversary of Mean Girls.  I loved that movie.  Who doesn’t love everything from Tina Fey though right?  That woman is a goddess.

Real Mean Girls are a dime a dozen.  Every large group has them.

You start with the girl who tries way too hard to act like she doesn’t care.  So much so that she just seems like a non-caring robot.  Oh but she cares.  She cares so much.  But she’s so busy pretending she doesn’t care that she pushes away the possibility of good friends.  She’s also someone to watch out for.  She’s not above taking advantage of a situation.

Next up is the girl who thinks she’s better than everyone else.  She can give example after example of why she’s totally better than you.  She loves sympathy.  She needs it to survive.  She needs to feel that she’s above the rest.  She’s smart.  Usually book smart because it gives her an edge.  She’s always struggling to keep that edge.  Which is sad because she could be a truly nice person if she hopped down off her pedestal. You can’t push her off because she’ll thrive and revive from all the sympathy.  She’s quick to defend her self because she can’t stand people thinking badly of her. She’ll harp on something for forever because she can’t handle anyone thinking she’s a liar. Or a bad person.

And then you have the oh so insecure one.  She goes to bed worrying that she’ll wake up the next day and be booted from the cool table.  She tries to be 5 steps ahead of things to secure her position but really she’s 10 steps behind.  She’s good for information if you pick the right time.  She needs to feel important but she gets in her own way of things.  Everything is calculated.  She makes you do all the work on things because that way if things blow up, she can say well YOU did THIS.  She is so easily manipulated too.  95% of the time, she’s the cause of group drama.  She’s not two-faced.  She’s a million faced.

There’s always the weird one.  They keep her around for entertainment but she’s easily cast out if they feel like she’s not good enough that day.  She hang onto them because they are all she has.  And the days she’s cast out, she’s lost and alone.  There isn’t much to say about her because no matter what the group, she’s never going to change or make her life better because being this person is her life.

And you know what really sucks?  So many people focus on these girls that they miss all the really cool girls.  The one that makes dirty jokes and is the first to have your back in a fight.  The one who loves all kinds of cool music and can talk sports with the boys.  The one who is super sweet and looks on the positive side of life.  Everyone wants to sit at the cool table so they don’t see the tables full of amazing women.

Normal is the Watch Word

A decade.  That’s how long it’s been.

Let’s get real for just today.  10 years ago would have been the day I died.  Would have.  From the time I was a senior in high school until I was a junior in college, I was in a very abusive relationship.  I should have known from the start but I was in a bad place emotionally when it started.  I won’t go into gory details.  I am always open to talk about it but I find that people tend to not want to hear about it.  It makes them uncomfortable.  Which is a bit funny since they didn’t live it.  Plus it’s ironic.  We thrive on the exploits of the sick and demented.  We want all the details on Elizabeth Smart’s time while kidnapped or Ariel Castro’s captives.  Every second of a 9/11 flight.  But when it comes to domestic violence, no one wants the details.  They get fidgety.

But a few months before that day, I started to get out.  When that day happened, we’d been broken up but because he was still on the lease legally, we lived together but in separate rooms.  I’d been casually seeing someone.  Which may have triggered what happened.  Probably a combination of seeing me breaking free of the hold he had.  He was losing control.  I learned after that this time is the most scary.  When the worst happens.  I was young and naive so I thought the worst was behind me.

Rebuilding after was really hard.  Sometimes, it still is.  Some days I’m resigned to the fact that it’s part of my past, my history.  I grieve the lost of that girl.  The girl I was before him.  I adapt.  I learn ways to cope with random nightmares that yes, do still happen.  Hyper vigilance.  PTSD quirks.

But considering all that, I’m sitting here looking at a blog I wrote a day after and just reading it makes me feel like I’ve come so far.



So really that’s all I wanted to say.  I didn’t want today to go by without saying something.  Recognizing the significance of it.  And how far I’ve come.  I blurbed it on Facebook.  I posted here.  Moving on now.

The Calm Before The Storm

So we are in the middle of a big move.  I have endless lists.  Things we need when we get there.  Things I need to do. Things I need to set up.  All the things.  All of them.  The things.  A kind doctor gave me a lovely prescription for xanax.  Which is good since I usually don’t know until I’m right smack into a panic attack.  My brain can’t relay the warning signs (thank you PTSD).  During a normal stressful time, I can just deal. Woosahhh and whatever.  My brain says, “oh there’s stress? Let’s put it into this little box and yup file that away for later.”  And then it eats the boxes.

Luckily, I downloaded all my Xanga posts so I’ve been able to look at myself from 10 years ago and see how much compartmentalizing I actually do.  Too bad I’m moving away from my awesome counselor or we’d be getting into double sessions of all that not healthy boxing away of things.  I think perhaps I felt like since everyone told me that I was out of danger, I was certainly okay, that I should move along with all that nonsense and so I learned to do that.

Add fixing ^ to my to do list.

So what else is going on?  Little dude is walking now.  He’s a walking fiend.  Crawling is of the past.  He went to his first playground this weekend.  He had zero interest in the other kids.  He just wanted to walk around.  I think there will be more park trips in our future.  He also likes walking around the kids book sections in book stores.  He loves books.  He brings them to you and sits while you read them.

No tags today.  This was an admittedly boring post.



A long time ago, we used to be friends

I used to be friends with a girl named Ana.  Some days she comforted me.  And some days she was a real bitch.  We haven’t been friends for a long time though.  Every once in a while, I think about her.  What it would be like.  Would it be different now?  Would I be happy this time?  I guess it’s safer to keep the red bracelet in my jewelry box.  For now.